So before we go any further, Hi. It’s been a while. And so much has happened. But I think it’s finally time to externalize everything that’s been going on the past month and a half. Let’s see how far I get while Jul takes a nap. Pandora station Chill Out: on. And go.
Also worth mentioning, its the first nap he’s taken at the house in a while that I haven’t also crashed in my bed for naptime.
So first I guess we’ll start out with the fact I’m pregnant. 12 weeks pregnant. I had started a draft post right after I found out titled “RIP to those two open bottles of wine on my counter” and never finished or posted it but I still laugh at the title.
I found out super duper early. TMI alert: I thought I had ovulated like 3 times that month, so yes, we were trying which is why I was so on top of checking, and the last time I finally pulled out some ovulation sticks which seemed to confirm the time was right.
I was only 4 or 2-3 weeks pregnant depending if you count from LMP or suspected ovulation. The first test I took I could have sworn was a negative. I jumped in the shower to get ready to take Julian to the pediatrician and when I got out 6 minutes later I thought I saw the faintest positive line. I had to turn it toward the light to even see it. “Could it really be??” I thought. Of course I texted my best friend to help me dissect the meaning of this and the next week I took about 25 more tests until the line darkened up and I felt somewhat satisfied I was really pregnant.
Pregnancy nausea/sickness kicked in for me right around the 6-6.5 week mark just as it did with Julian. Only this time it was more. Like, so way much more nausea, OMG. I certainly had nausea with Julian and lots of sensitivity to smells and food aversions but this time I literally couldn’t (still can’t) even shower and smell my shampoo and soap without wanting to die. I forget when the first time I actually threw up was, but it set off a storm of puking all day every couple days – week right up to now. I don’t even know what to say, pregnancy puking is brutal. So is being just nauseous for weeks on end, but not being able to even hold down water while trying to wrangle a 1.5 year old (and all their smells) when you just wanna die on the couch…its brutal.
I told Jeff obviously the second I got that positive test…well actually I told him after I told Harmony lol but only because I really, really wasn’t sure if I was even looking at a positive test. I told a few close mom friends in the following days and of course, told my own mom. I actually told her on the way in to her biopsy appointment one day.
Side bar for those who may not know: my mom had been fighting cancer off and mostly on for 12 years. She had about 5 different occurrences in different areas of her body and the better part of the last 12 years she was either recovering from surgeries or was on various rounds of chemo or radiation. She always had a positive outlook and succeeded, I would say, in not letting her cancers affect her life any more than the bare minimum. She maintained a full time job only backing down to 32 hours this past year, she traveled with my dad lots of places, had lots of friends and events and trips with them, and was our mom and nana. If she didn’t have a headscarf or tell you outright you probably wouldn’t even have guessed what she was dealing with.
On Mother’s Day of this year she was admitted to the hospital to look into why she was having a ton of pressure in her abdomen and issues…in the bathroom..to put it vaguely. After running scans and tests there showed to be two large 10-12 cm sized tumors where her ovaries used to be that were causing her discomfort and issues. These were not there on her scans just 3 months ago, so aggressive would be the word. Things happened rather quickly from there. Over the next weeks the tumors were deemed to be inoperable, a biopsy was performed and the plan was for her to start up chemo again in hopes her greatly worsening symptoms could be relieved by chemo.
My mom passed away on June 15th, just two weeks after her biopsy and a month after first being admitted to the hospital. Not anyone in my family could have imagined her slipping away so quickly. Realistically we all knew we probably didn’t have much time, maybe another month or so I thought, but no one could have guessed her passing so quickly. She was so sick and miserable toward the end that I’m happy and relieved she didn’t have to suffer any longer, but too soon is too soon when you’re only 62 years old and so full of life otherwise.
I was supposed to see my mom the day before she passed and the day she passed at her house as she’d been released a day and a half before. I have pregnancy nausea to thank for me not making it down that morning because I was puking into the toilet while Julian stood behind me cheering me on and imitating my sounds (gotta love toddlers). I did talk to her briefly on the phone that morning but she sounded horrible, barely making sense. She ended up getting rushed by ambulance to Mass General just an hour or two later with my dad sending us text updates. A few hours after that I was on my way into the hospital to meet my sisters and dad, Jeff in his own car about 25 minutes behind me, and on walking into the family waiting room in emergency learned she was already gone. My dad had been by her side along with one of her longtime oncologists when she slowly stopped breathing and they did what they could to make her comfortable.
This is all a lot, especially if you are just stopping by as a random blog reader, but it was time for me to externalize this. This is my blog about momlife but also the rest of my life, so here it all is. I’m still just beginning to wrap my mind around the stark contrast of the new life in my belly with another life so close to me ending practically all at the same time. I am glad I at least have this blessing to carry me through this time, of course along with Julian and the rest of my family.
So where I’m at now? I had my 8 week appointment a week to the day after my mom passed and just a few days after the services. We couldn’t hear a heartbeat but we did see the baby on a mini ultrasound and its tiny heartbeat. My tentative due date is January 29th, but you know how due dates go. Even though I went into labor with Julian right on my due date I still don’t hold too much stock in the actual day. Late January, early February is when this baby should be here. I go tomorrow for the NT Scan and blood work to check likelihood of spinal chord issues, down syndrome and other chromosomal disorders which is always nerve wracking. But it’ll be nice to have another chance to see the baby. I’ll never forget how shocked Jeff and I both were that at our 12 week NT scan Julian looked so much more like an actual baby than that little blob from our 8 week mini ultrasound.
I’m also fighting through what I hope is the end of this pregnancy sickness. Between that and the heat and humidity this summer I’ve basically been holed up in the house except to take Julian out to see some friends here and there. Weekends have mostly been about my family the past month. I took a giant step back from teaching yoga for the time being. I stopped all my regular classes and will be subbing a few Sundays throughout the summer but that’s it. To be honest I was kind of wanting to get my Saturday mornings back anyway, and while I love teaching Wednesdays at the gym, I knew I wasn’t long for my abs class and getting Jul and I both out of the house so early in the morning to be there for 8am for 1 hr yoga class seemed…not too worth it?
So I’m taking a break from teaching and just going to focus on these last few months of it being just me and Julian, growing a new baby, trying to heal from the loss of my mom, and figure out life. Whenever something tragic happens in my life I feel the need to uproot and make a ton of changes so I’m trying to fight that but also figure out what things actually do need to change or be different. Life is a journey for sure.
Thanks for listening if you made it this far. Hopefully I’ll be back to talk more toddler/baby stuff soon.
Rest in Peace to the strongest lady I’ve known, my mom. I miss you every day.