Thinking Out Loud 4: Dig Deep

Morning! How is it going today on this Thinking out Loud Thursday? We’re about to get buried under potentially 12-18″ of snow today so there’s that. To be honest I really don’t mind the snow so much. Then again, I have no job to commute to these days and I’m also not the one who does the snow blowing and shoveling. Also, thank GOD Jeff’s uncle tends to come by and plow us out in big storms. Pure. Gold.

So I have a bit of a deeper post today I’ve been thinking of and working on. Thanks to Amanda for hosting this link up!

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Julian is just about 15 months.

I’ve thought of this often over the course of his life on the outside, that if I had to sum up my parenting experience so far it would come down to just two words.

Dig. Deep.

That’s it. Dig deep on all levels imaginable.

Dig deep when you are in unmedicated labor for 27 hours and nearing the second hour of pushing, not feeling like you are getting anywhere, not knowing what you are doing, feeling so much unbearable pain and so much exhaustion. Dig deep to find the will and strength to get that baby out. This is definitely one situation where giving up is not an option. Babies have to come out some how.

Dig deep when your baby latches on to nurse in those early days and it feels like a legit piraña is latching onto your poor, innocent nipples.

Dig deep when its 2am and you’re going off 4 hours of interrupted sleep in 24 hours and your baby is so tired but won’t let himself fall asleep. So your tired bones dig deep to find the energy to rock and bounce and sway your ~12lb 5 month old into oblivion.

Dig deep to not physically harm yourself or your partner while sleep training your baby who is screaming, screeching bloody murder in his warm little crib, in his comfy room you put so much time and thought into making perfect just for him. Because he still has no idea how to sleep past one 30-45 minute sleep cycle and you are exhausted, are convinced he’s the only baby who won’t sleep, and at your wits end. And on top of that, your body is actually programmed to have a sharp, physical reaction to hearing your baby cry and wants nothing but to MAKE IT STOP AT ALL COSTS. But you know that means going in his room to comfort him and yet somehow its not the best thing for him. Why is life is so cruel.

Dig deep when your 1 year old is having a tantrum over something, about what you have no idea, and all you want to do is scream back at them for acting so annoying and irrational but you stop yourself and realize wait, this will not help anything. Let me try to understand where he is coming from and why he so frustrated right now so I can empathize with him instead. Dig deep to get on that level, mama.

Parenting is hard. They said it would be. But this is so much harder than I ever, ever realized. I’m sure every mama feels this way, maybe even a little bit every day. You want to do your best and be the best mom for your baby but you have no idea what you are doing most of the time.

The first year had it’s own huge challenges and the second year is proving to be calmer and a little more settled but definitely has a whole new set of challenges. Julian’s been having full on meltdowns/tantrums that last for 30mins+ at least if he doesn’t get what he wants (being held, me playing with a toy FOR him, touching the electrical outlets trying to get into drawers and cabinets he shouldn’t be in despite the locks). What do I do? Give in and then he never learns how to be disciplined and what’s right and wrong? Or persevere and have a complete disaster of a 1 year old for the day. It seems with Julian once he has one meltdown, more are likely to come throughout the day. And he gets himself so worked up that he literally cannot calm down. Its so fun, guys!

But then there are times that are so amazingly perfect you can’t believe this is your life. It’s so fascinating and validating to watch as they master a new skill or learn something new. His little voice saying “Ma-ma” or Da-da” melts my heart. To see how affectionate he is, how he loves to hug and give kisses (open mouth lol). To catch a glimpse of them peacefully sleeping.

Growing is hard. Growth itself is uncomfortable. It’s true for adults and I gotta remind myself it is true for kids too. Julian is learning so much about the world right now, yet there is so much he can’t comprehend. He works so hard and I know that inner growth is hard. Just like I am growing as a parent, a mom, a human being and that growth is hard for me too.

At the end of the day me and Juj are in it together. We’re both growing, but in different ways. Our needs are different. But we get through each day, hour by hour, meal by meal. He has meltdowns for reasons I have no idea of and I get so angry because I don’t understand. We rough house and I am his climbing gym and we laugh and play. We’re in it together and overall I am proud of who we are so far and how far we have come. Even if I have to dig deep at times to see it.

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2 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud 4: Dig Deep

  1. Dig deep…yes. As a mom to a special needs son and toddler twins, it’s all about finding that last push in you to keep going through the moment/crisis/day. And then you get a beautiful day when all the kids get along and no one is sick and they all say thank you and no ma’am and you take a deep breath and enjoy it.

    Like

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